砂漠のJeffire

Jeffirean Stories

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Jeffire.blogspot.com has travelled a journey that has finally reached its 199th step over a period of nearly 2 years. Looking back, the blog originally detailed my life in camp and my footballing experiences, but now it details my life in school and occasionally my thoughts about living. No doubt this 199th post is of significance to me. How long more will this go on? Perhaps in the future, when we lose contact, when we do not have the luxury of time to sit down for a cup of tea, when we decided we should just forget about connecting with the people who were once in your life, jeffire.blogspot.com will still be the place you can find, who else but, Jeffire.

Frustrations are aplenty when you know there are certain things to do but lack the resources to even start the ball rolling. Of course I had already mentioned most of them, and in fact, by the end of this week, I would have tackled that issue. It's actually more on my CCAs, the other set of responsibilities that I hold outside my schoolwork. I understand that I am nearly invisible to the people in my CCAs due to the nature of my work and lifestyle. However I believe I have been constantly doing my best to overcome the time constraints and still be contributable so as to fulfil the basics of my responsibilities. They can be counted and shown. However, the support I receive has always been half-hearted despite contributing substantially to the ways things are run.

During my army days, Charles had always commented that I was very demanding of others, especially when they couldn't fulfil what I needed them to do. I had always retorted that many people only put in effort when FORCED to. If desperation drives productivity, then I will drive everyone to desperation. Yet people don't like to be forced, and certainly not to the brink of desperation. And definitely my hardline methods aren't anyway popularly received and hence many people do not like working for me (many people love to work with me, since I always take the bulk of the work). Add that to my poor communication skills plus a very 'act cool' attitude, it sums up to a recipe for disaster.

Putting the unhappy stuff aside, these days I have been planning on a schedule that targeted at losing weight based on regular and varied activities. Unfortunately (this sounds like an excuse) time is absolutely a premium with me having to juggle so many responsibilities. I had allocated 2hrs for swimming on Tue, 1 hr for running on Friday, and 3hrs for football on Sun. I still feel it's grossly inadequate. Firstly, Tue morning is usually substituted by project meetings. Friday morning is a day when I want to sleep after a tiring school week and football is dependent on whether khakis are available. In fact I would prefer to play tennis on Friday morning, but I have no khaki for that. If I had the money to learn golf, I would do so. Haha. Too bad I don't. Moreover, I feel that these aren't enough for me to lose the 5kg I have targeted. If 1 month lose 1kg, 5 months means I will take till next CNY. It's easy to gain 5kg in one month (CNY is a real killer for that) but incredibly difficult to lose 5kg in 5 months. Now people will say "why do you need to lose weight? you look pretty fine..."

Firstly, if I looked fine, I wouldn't have bothered, but in reality I don't. Like I mentioned to my friends that my brother and I always joke around saying each other's stomachs are big. Of course there is some truth to that sort of joke, so I will relentlessly pursue the weight losing goal until one day my brother finds no reason to joke with me on my stomach.

Secondly, I believe that if I was better looking, I can obtain help much more easily because I can garner attention more easily. I am sure being neither being the heavyweight nor the lightweight causes me to be out of sight easily. Losing weight will give my face shape a lift, and is one way to deal with my sagging face (think it's due to my static expression whole day long, which in fact I think it's due to a fact I read when I was young - frowning uses more muscles than smiling - so I frown whole day long in a bid to use more muscles. I say I was real stupid so now I'm in this whole deep shit I need to struggle to climb out from.

Thirdly, I suppose losing weight will add speed to my feet and that makes my footballing much better. I thrive on running into space. If I can run faster into space, I'm sure it will be easier to spot the passing route to my feet. I know many people cannot determine that route as fast as I can think, but I'm sure if I moved faster, they would have more time to determine that route.

Fourthly, I think being single for 22yrs has got something to do with a lack of confidence. You roll back to the second consideration and realise that I'm am actually not lacking in confidence for most things except this thing called 'impressions'. Basically to me, everyone only wants to stick with the best looking people around (my past has confirmed that umpteen times, especially in a boys' school). My acquaintances with female further strengthens my beliefes. Aesthetically blessed girls are with the good looking or capable or rich guys; the talented girls have also been taken up; the ugly and incapable girls offering themselves to the playboys or rich guys; the sexuality-confused girls wants to stick with other girls only, so what's left? You tell me....

The fifth compelling reason for me to lose weight is one way to defy traditional thoughts in the family. My mother is one woman who says she wants to lose weight but always have tons of excuses when it comes to exercising and eating. My mother thinks that people will think that she never take good care of us because we look thin. Tell me if your mother thinks so too... My parents are pretty lowly educated, but my mother is totally uneducatable - she is pretty single-minded and demanding (I inherited these traits from her), therefore no matter how many health lessons you impart to her, the time goes to the waste-meter. Well, on the flip side, I say she's just a very capable cook.....hmm... and I have this belief that we shouldn't waste food - another disaster recipe. Should I manage to break free from my maternal ties and live independently, I will definitely have been a different person...

There are 1000 reasons I can tell you but sitting in front of the laptop for 2hrs after sitting in front of the PC for 10hrs doesn't make good sense to me. I mean, come on, why would you want to bother if I want to lose weight for whatever silly reasons, it's MY decision. I am definitely not as okay as you think, and this is a desire I will harbour always until one day you see me taking a photo of myself.... that means I'm ready to face the world..

By the way, I'm only switching back to first person prose because this is the 199th post. I still prefer the third person's way of writing. It's much more self-centred that way and I like that. This blog is about me, me and me. That's why it's called jeffire.blogspot.com, right?

If you are irritated, please go write 199 posts about yourself and see if anyone can stand you. Ah well, the art of being egocentric.

Undefinable
Jeffire

Acknowledged my existence at
12:30 AM