砂漠のJeffire

Jeffirean Stories

Friday, July 22, 2005

This post was really unexpected.

Okie, this marks the 4th PUBLIC APOLOGY I have to make. It's aimed towards my colleagues.

SORRY.

Since I have added "Everyone to forget about the old me" as one of my birthday wishes, I sincerely feel that there is a need to clear the invisible glass that is separating me from my colleagues (MY, Eugene, Sharen) Also, even though HY and KB had already left, this goes out to them as well. I have already spoken to HY over MSN regarding this and obtained her advice.

To cut the story short, I want to put down here, why I don't pick up as many calls as each of you do.

1. I have been told I'm a backup to all of you, like Eugene, even before he was promoted to IT Executive. However I presumed my order was lower than his because I've got more experience picking calls up and therefore I should pick up more calls than him at least. And that I did.

2. I think you all are getting paid FULL TIME and yet why should I be picking calls when you guys are in your private conversations, and I was not.

3. I think you guys need to pick up more calls to be better exposed and therefore improve the way you handle them. Of course this is definitely a wrong thinking of mine because although I'm more experienced, it doesn't mean you are not as good.

4. I was given a seat without the voice recorder and to pick up calls I had to move to another seat, which I couldn't, as I had to answer emails and draft other documents.

Despite all these reasons, I find that, indeed I have to discard my 'i'm very busy and you are not' attitude because while I'm very busy, I'm not really busy with my work which pays me my salary. I'm busy with a ton of other stuff, school, home and friends... which is why now I'm declaring that you are all right to think I'm at fault, and therefore, construct an invisible glass panel to separate me from all of you.

Yet, I was really saddened by the way you all think. If this job wasn't so interesting, I would have resigned long ago, just because I am truly jealous of all of you. You are all one bunch and I'm separated, alone. If you can imagine you are the one being locked out of nearly everything, and if you can imagine that it's even more painful to be looking at you smiling at me, yet saying bad things without telling me...

If you think I was trying very hard to impress, yes, I was, because I wanted to do this job very much. You could ask Fiona what did I say in the intereview. I agreed to do a part-time job without the security of being awarded the full-time one because I wanted to do this very much. I could have taken another full time job for the month of May, Jun and earned double of what I could have earned working here. I even waited 18 days to begin this job. That was how much I wanted to secure this because I knew it will definitely be very much of use to me.

I'm typing this while my hands tremble...

No matter who do I talk to, I always try to be myself. It is a lesson long ago taught to me by Jinqi, by Jason, by Yingzie... I don't treat people differently because my philosophy is to reflect what people do to you, less the bad stuff. For example, if you were late for an appointment with me, I will be late also for once because you were late. However, if after that I were to be late, I will do some other thing in return for you to compensate you on the time. This is the way I live. If my 7seas brothers treat me to dinner, I will do something else in return because sometimes they don't want to accept my return treats. There are many subtle things I do, but many people don't notice because they take it for granted. (I don't mean my 7seas brothers here though, because we have a really great brotherhood) That is also why I demand the very basic courtesy of 'thank you', and stuff like that. I am seriously very "calculative" because I project that my life will be half of yours and that I have many things to accomplish and you don't even know what you want to do.

That's where I'm different from most of you.

It doesn't matter if I make the whole world hate me just by being so bloody frank and inflexible and 'attitude', because like what my 7seas brother proved to me, as time goes by, you will find that you have improved because I didn't bother to help you. It is of utmost importance that most of you learn to pick yourselves up independently. Even if you think that I have helped you alot, it wasn't because I wanted you to be thankful to me, to like me or what, it was because I felt I had a duty to. I don't need whoever's liking, whoever's acceptance, whoever's approval to live. I do what I want, if you don't like it, JUST TELL ME.

Never say bad things to the whole group behind my back. It hurts me very much as much as putting 3 real kitchen knifes into my back. Whenever I say something bad about you, I will always balance it with something good. It's not because I think you will be angry, but because I think we should never remember others for their weaknesses but for their strengths. I know people don't really like how I can analyse their thinking until they find themselves mentally defenceless, but come on, a fault means a fault. Admit it and get moving on. Unfortunately sometimes it's also a double edged sword because I end up assuming. And that is a very wrongful thing to do. I do try my best to "confirm", though.

Once again, I want to say sorry for being so unhelpful to my colleagues and I have to reiterate, the paragraphs after "....trembling.." is for everyone who reads this, not targetting anyone in particular.

Big brother Jinki said I was a very hard-to-get-near guy at first,
but now he says i'm just really different from normal people that it takes much more effort to know me.

3rd brother Alex said I was always too frank,
but now he understands my idea of 'honesty is the best policy'.

4th brother Kenneth said I liked to criticise others for their faults,
but now I make sure he sees that I crticise myself much more. (diaozz, rite)

5th brother Kevin said I was too proud of myself, I'm still quite proud too, but now he knows I acknowledge others' strengths too.

6th brother Junkai said I was merciless with my words, but now he says i'm much more polished with my mouth now.

It took 2 years for them to realise so. I really have to say a big thank you to them for making me a better person.

Emotionally charged
Jeffire

Acknowledged my existence at
9:20 PM