砂漠のJeffire

Jeffirean Stories

Monday, June 13, 2005

After consulting many many people....JK, Joyce, Huiling, Serenez...and reading all the comments, I felt that I was really too childish...and ungentleman. It's like complaining behind people's back - that's definitely not a person I am...

I was really shocked from HL's guess, maybe all of you, my dear colleagues, are reading my blog...maybe one read it, and told the others... like HL said, girls like to share stuff together...yesh. Now I understand it very much. I really want to make an apology over it and rest assured that I'm learning it the hard way...how to be a real nice guy...how to be the person i want to be...

how much i had changed from the past!

in my pri sch days, i gave the impression to many friends that i'm very intelligent..

going into sec sch, i couldn't mix well with the people because i thought i was very intelligent..but how wrong i could get. i offended many many people...and got myself onto the fine line between the condemned and the majority...was a good friend to many of those condemned while i was still doing fine with the majority...during those days, i worked in the weekends when they went out to play... i never visited a single cinema to watch any movie...i only went out with friends to play soccer... to play table tennis...to play video games...all the cheap thrills..

then i went on to YJC...was well known for my eccentric actions...like carrying a Pikachu bag to school...like adding Japanese words to my talking... like doing all the difficult things that people didn't like to do...but general impression was that i was a difficult to get along person...because i demanded alot. I really demanded alot because I really dun have alot of things that normal people had...like good friends...possessions... talents...looks... i was jealous of most people but on the other hand i really worked hard to gain recognition on other fronts... i worked very hard for the girl i really liked...only to be killed off by fate... i worked very hard, that's why i demand as much effort as others..but how wrong i could get! since then i became even more eccentric..but many of my schmates still felt that i was doing fine...luckily i got to know a great group of people...like the 7seas brothers, like the student councillors...etc. i was proud to be with them...they knew what i could do, what i hated...heh.

On to army.. impression at my first post in CPC was that i was very hardworking...was that i was alwiz going around to tok to ppl...emailing them like friends... then because i wanted to go combat, i left the 'heaven' and went to HQ SA...many people felt that i was very lucky...but only those who worked with me knew how 'lucky' i was...haha. we all had a great time working hard together, playing hard together...Charles said that on first impression i always give people a feeling that i'm a big shot..yah...i'm indeed am one. haha. but as time went on, they got to know me as the super football enthusiast (i was the "director of football"~), the siao guy who stayed in when we could go home everyday and that i lived only 1.5km away from camp.. (hey i could sleep in peace till 7am and still get to parade on time...free water to bathe...free fan..free electricity..why not), the one who alwiz stayed back in the office to do work (and got accused of 'acting hardworking by my superior' when some others took so many canteen breaks and smoke breaks and went home earlier than me)...it took some time for people to get to know what i am..

when sch began, it was a torturous experience...had a fire at home... couldn't get myself accustomed to normal school stuff... i hate sch to the core...hated the life... but work still had to go on..and i treated work more importantly than knowing people...more than interacting with them...i'm like a machine... and worse off, i couldn't contribute much to many things because they required resources which i dun have...coming from a poor family...how to mix with the rich kids out there? endured on and finally got to the point where i have some real nice friends who could endure my idiotic antics...endure my eccentricity...listen to my problems...ya..u noe who u r..heh. 2nd term was much better because of these people...thank god. i was still working every weekend and din really spend much time enjoying life with others...but they understood so...phew.

The long holidays arrived but i took some time to find the job i so wanted.. yes...i found it.. but the one and a half weeks were so much like heaven...never had work in such a nice place b4...i would never had thought of making such a terrible mistake...just 3 entries... today going to work will be a totally worrying experience.. it will be a totally different thing. my friends say just have to act normal...yes... i said, my normal is everyone's abnormal... haha.. what to do? i am doing everything i can to be the person i want to be...

in the anime Naruto...Naruto wants to be Hokage, the best Leaf ninja because he wants to be acknowledged by everyone his existence. He wanted to protect all those who acknowledged his existence...he wanted to protect the girl he liked, he wanted to win those who said he was the lousiest... Gaara, the sand ninja, on the other hand, was born with miraculous powers... he was the Kazekage's son and he had people serving him, he had the sand to protect him automatically...but he couldn't control it and hurt many people..thus earning the wrath of everyone in the village.. in the end he decided that he wanted to kill everyone else except himself because that will only strengthen his own feeling of his existence..but after he met Naruto...he understood why people wanted to protect their loved ones...why friends are so important... he didn't want to be alone anymore.. and thus a new Gaara was born. And here on the background I put his picture down...

I want to be a new person like I had always said all the time. And I am doing it all the time...writing problems here is like a review session...writing achievements here is like a review session... it's where i recall what i did right and wrong... it's where people can tell me what i did right and wrong...u can read every post and eventually u can see how the tone of it has shifted...although sometimes it gets peppered with lotsa stupid stuff like complaints but i'm human afterall...sometimes need to release some anger...and it's only when i think i'm very wrongly understood that i write about others to make a point about them....but of course...i dun write well, dun speak well, and therefore i end up making mistakes...

Gaara doesn't want to be alone anymore, so do I.

Thinking hard...
Jeffire

Acknowledged my existence at
2:07 AM